Switched

I recently was forced to buy a new car. My 12 year old car was dying a slow and painful death and I had to put it down. It was a very sad day for me. I loved my Saturn and I miss it. I am getting used to the new car and today I finally put the key on my key ring. It isn’t that I dislike the new car. It is a really nice car. I just miss the old one. I didn’t want to be buying a new one. I wasn’t ready to learn all the ins and outs of a new car. And I wasn’t ready for the car buying process.

I have blogged about most everything written above already.

Today I want to talk about how I switched the dealer’s bait and switch back to my advantage. The moral will be: Don’t make me mad, I will win in the end.

I went to the dealership with the financing plan I wanted in mind. I was upfront about this in my email negotiations the day before. I was clear about it while sitting at their negotiating table. I also knew that my credit score is good, real good and I would qualify for whatever financing I wanted to apply for on-the-spot. So, the negotiating started and they played with their numbers and they talked their game and they told me that the financing I wanted was available and I could go that route BUT doing that would cause me to lose this lucrative incentive they worked into the price they quoted me.

My response to that was, “if you do not finance the car the way I intended when I came in then I want to wait and finance it through my bank because that will be my next best option.” They responded with, “you could do that BUT you still lose the lucrative incentive and it changes your trade-in incentive because it is based on financing through us.” “This deal with the incentives actually works to your advantage because what you pay in interest over the life of the loan is less than what you gain in incentives, lowering the overall amount being financed up front.” And there was the bait and switch. They advertise this no interest financing to get you in the door and then offer you financing with a really low APR and incentives so you take the low APR deal. They get the interest paid on the loan, you get a smaller loan and supposedly everybody wins. Only bait and switch deals are illegal if truly bait and switch, but they are careful to make sure they fall outside the true definition of bait and switch, and they are frustrating.

I had everything worked out via email prior to arriving at the dealership, or so I thought until I arrived. They knew full well what they were going to do once I got there. What they didn’t know is who I bank with and that I am willing to pay a small transfer fee to call their bluff. So, I took their financing deal with their lucrative incentives and smiled sweetly and said, thanks. Then I met with the finance guy at the end of a very long and frustrating evening. The finance guy took what we had agreed on in these negotiations and started playing with the numbers even more. I argued, I listened, I called his fancy foot work what it really was and eventually got him to admit it. Until he would use my word for what he was trying to sell me, I wasn’t going to budge. He was insulted when I called his Club Plus plan “just roadside assistance.”

Once I got him to use my terminology and to speak in numbers I could understand, I let him use his coupons and his employee discount code, “because I’m a Vol fan too.” I even let him sign me up for their special payment plan through a third party vendor to make it easier to pay back my loan and it would allow him to reduce my rate another “x” percent. We signed the forms, I left in the car, and two days later I started inquiring about my account number for the financing they set up.

I wasn’t getting much from the dealership, so I went directly to the source, or so I thought. I called Ford Motor Credit and they had no record of me or my financed vehicle. Odd, but maybe it hadn’t been processed yet. I pulled out the invoice and read through all the contract language, including the fine print, after-all I am a contract reader by profession. Then I noticed this tiny little line at the bottom that says, “lien held by PNC Bank, NA.” WHAT? Not only did they bait and switch the whole financing plan I wanted but they changed the financial institution I was under the impression I was working with. I know Ford Motor Credit, I have financed a vehicle through them in the past. I don’t know PNC Bank. I have heard their name and that is it. So I called PNC Bank to get my account info and they had no record of me.

I waited. Then I got an email from the third party payment source stating they had my application and set up the payments with the lein holder. This prompted me to call PNC again to get an account number. Again, no record of me. So, I called the third party payment source. They didn’t have an account number but had everything set up through my Social. What I told her about the run around I was getting concerned her, so she was going to start tracking down the application.

Finally (after my third call to them in 5 days), yesterday I got an account number from PNC bank along with a 10-day pay off amount. I then went immediately to my bank and applied for a refinance loan. There was one piece of information I needed to verify, so I finished up the process today. I have the same rate, term, and payoff through my bank, who I know and trust, as I did through PNC. I received all of Ford’s lucrative incentives for financing through them along with the trade-in incentive and lower rate incentive for signing up for the third party payment plan and I will be paying them the interest amount for no more than 10-days on the loan. I asked them several times in the process if there were any penalties for early payoff on the loan, they said no. When I read the invoice and contract I looked specifically for prepayment penalty language and it states very clearly that there are NO penalties for early payoff.

While the dealer was wheeling and dealing me on their incentives and financing plans, I was already planning on refinancing as soon as I possibly could and I would have done it even if it cost me a tiny bit more money, just to prove a point. In the end, it cost me a mailing fee to send the payment to PNC quickly and a title transfer fee. The rest is the same as what I had set up through Ford to begin with when I told them, “if I don’t do the financing I came in planning to do then I want to finance through my own bank.” Take that Ford! I got your deals and I’m set up with the bank I wanted to be set up with in the first place!!!

Now, for the kicker in all of this . . .

The shipping label wouldn’t print at the end of the refinancing loan application process, so I was prompted to call a representative at my bank. Ugh! I really didn’t want to talk to another finance person, I just wanted to be done with all of this. But I called because I have no other way of knowing where to send this paperwork.

While on the phone the representative did exactly what I knew she would do, she asked about all my other finances and if there was anything else she could help me with. No, not really. Everything related to money is already through your bank except for my mortgage and that was because you guys wouldn’t/couldn’t refinance it because of the type of loan I have. “Really? What type of loan is that and when did you refinance?” Ugh! I answered her questions because we were waiting for the shipping label to be generated and she was really nice and very helpful, so I was being polite. Then she said, “you know rates, housing values, and time might have changed your circumstances enough that you could benefit from a refinance. Would you like to at least research your options?” Sure, why not, I’m already on the phone with you. So, I get the shipping label, ask my final question about filling out the paperwork on the auto loan refinance and then she transfers me to mortgages.

I tell Stacy about my conversation with the auto loan lady (didn’t remember her name) and Stacy says, “sure we can look at that.” I told her that because I wasn’t planning on talking about my house I didn’t have house numbers in front of me. Stacy said we could go off of what I did know and could fill in specifics later if it looked promising. We ran through some numbers and I looked up home values via zillow and trulia while talking to her and based on those values and what I currently owe on my Mortgage (going from memory) there is a very good chance I could refinance right now and save a tiny bit on the APR, but almost $80 per month on mortgage payments and get rid of PMI. Well, that is interesting information. So, Stacy worked up some rates and saved them to my online profile for me to look at as I want/need to. Then she told me what I need to look at when I get home and can see the actual numbers. She let me ask my weird questions to make sure I understood what she was getting at and clarified the numbers I should be comparing to decide if refinancing would be financially sound right now. She didn’t try to “sell” me on the idea, she didn’t push, she was informative, supportive, friendly, encouraging, and offered follow up assistance when I do have the actual numbers in front of me.

There would have to be a significant benefit to going through the hassle and paperwork invovled in a mortgage refinance, so there is a lot of research left to do before going down that road. But it is nice to know that my bank is looking out for me and my financial health in such a thorough and supportive manner. This! This is why I wanted to finance my car through them if the 0% offer wasn’t going to happen. The 0% offer didn’t happen, I got great incentives to lower the overall cost of my car, my loan is now through the bank of MY choice, and I may have the ability to save on my home loan while getting it through the bank of MY choice also.

Thanks for making me mad Ford financing guy. I switched your bait and switch and I won. Then I got the victory lap prize too.

Snowmaggedan Blessing

I love when God’s blessings come in very unexpected places in very unexpected ways. This one is one that some might even overlook as not being a blessing but I know the prayers I have been praying lately and the studying I have been doing lately and I’d say this was a blessing, small and simple, hand of God in my life blessing.

Let me back way up here: the basic theme of this post is going to be about massages, not snow, so hang in there for the title.

Years ago when I started doing charity bike rides, there would be massage therapist at the end of the ride. I would never indulge in their services because I didn’t know the benefits, wasn’t keen on getting rubbed all over by a stranger, and didn’t want to spend the money (even when the massage is free, you tip the therapist). Then a family member (at the time – who is now a former family member due to divorce) went to massage therapy school. She needed a guinea pig and I lived close by. She would call me up, ask what I was doing (typically nothing), and then talk me into coming over for a massage practice session. It didn’t take much convincing since I’d get to see my cute little baby cousin and get a massage out of the deal. She was really into this training and was really good at it, so I was benefitting a lot from these homework sessions. On my next charity ride, her school was the group of therapists volunteering at the finish line. Having a family member present and having learned the benefit of massage, I jumped in line and got a few extra minutes because I knew the therapist personally. Then she graduated and somehow my free sessions became, “Renee, does your insurance cover massages?” Well, no and I wouldn’t pay you for them anyway. I helped you get here, remember? My weirdo knee placement and strange IT band placement helped you ask really good questions and learn a lot about sports, pain management, and injury recovery massage that you might not have thought to ask or learn otherwise. I helped you become a more well rounded therapist and now you want to charge me? That ended that.

So, occasionally after that, on a bike ride event, I would get a post-ride massage. Rarely still, but occasionally. I bruise easily and even though deep tissue sports massage is good for a cyclist it hurts me, so I’m very picky about who does my massage.

Fast forward a few years and now I am in law enforcement and the focus is on running. I am not a runner. I have very strong legs but very tight hamstrings, so running does not fit me well. I am making decent money. I have a free gym membership. And there is a massage therapist available at a reduced rate for gym members. And running is THE most important thing to my employer at the moment. So, I started getting a weekly massage to focus on loosening up my hamstrings. I really needed to become a better runner. The therapist I was seeing was good and because I was going weekly she was able to go slow and be more deliberate and targeted. Then one day she asked if I was ticklish? I said no, why? And she gave me a foot massage. Oh, my – if you have never had a professional foot massage then you have not lived. I felt so sorry for all those ticklish people who couldn’t experience that.

Anyway, the massages were good and were working well on my hamstrings. The problem became going away to training. I needed to keep up the massages during my intense training but there was no time during training, so I never sought out a massage therapist. A lady at the church I was attending offered to hypnotize me and help me believe I was a good runner, but before I could take her seriously, I had had a wreck, gone home to heal, came back to complete training and quit. Sometimes I wonder if her hypnosis would have worked? It is the only thing offered to me that I didn’t try and so it is the one thing I occasionally regret when I think about what might have been — then I wake up and realize I’m better off not living that life.

Once I left law enforcement I could no longer afford massages and had no real need to continue them. I went back to the very rare, occasional massage post-ride at charity cycling events.

Then four years ago I had a pretty serious bike wreck just two weeks before I was to go out of town for a 7 day bike ride. I was healing okay and believed I would be good to go on my trip, but I was wasting 2 weeks off the bike leading up to my ride. When I finally tested out the injuries on my indoor trainer everything went well, but my hip was stiff and sore. It was fine on the bike but once off the bike I was in pain and miserable. That was when a friend said, “If I paid for it, would you go get a massage? I really think my husband’s massage therapist can help you out and make your trip much better.” Well, who is going to say no to a free massage?

I went to this therapist who worked on my sore hip. He was intrigued by my riding and charity work. He knew his stuff and was well trained. I hadn’t had a massage like that – EVER. He wanted me to come back one more time before I left town, but that wasn’t going to work out schedule-wise, so I went on my trip and did fine. Our team even had a massage therapist travelling with us, so I had her work on my hip a couple of times during the week. She wasn’t as good as my pre-trip massage but she was good. She specialized in working with the Parkinson’s patients on the team, so she knew her stuff. When I got back I joined Massage Envy’s membership program and started seeing this pre-trip therapist on a monthly basis for a little over a year. He worked on leaning up the muscles in my legs, loosening up my hamstrings, and breaking up the cellulite in my thighs. What he was doing, combined with my increased workouts was working on my muscles like I’ve never done before. My muscles didn’t just feel different, they looked different. Without the benefit of the hours I could dedicate to working out in law enforcement, I was able to get as close to my law enforcement fitness level as I would get at this stage in my life.

Then life happened. Finances got tight and I squeezed everything I could out of my budget before I relinquished my massage membership. But eventually, it had to go too. Now at this point, if you are still reading, you might be thinking “how lucky I am,” or “how privileged I sound” or “how it must be nice to get monthly massages.” Well, sure it probably is lucky, privileged, and nice but I work hard for my income and I don’t have children to feed, clothe or put into sports, drama, or band. I budget my finances well and live below my means so I can do things like get massages by not having a TV or cable service in my house. But as for nice – not so much.

These aren’t your pleasant rub down, aromatherapy, spa day, go on a cruise kind of massages. These hurt. I cringe, wince, writhe in pain, and go back for more the next month. Deep tissue, sports massage isn’t friendly, it is work, it is done with a purpose, and it isn’t meant to feel good while on the table, but you end up feeling better down the road. I am also willing to “splurge” on monthly massages because I am single, live alone, several states away from any family, so I get no meaningful physical touch in my life. If you know much about human’s and failure to thrive syndrome then you know we all crave meaningful touch. Not sexual or even sensual touch but just touch. I’ve written before about hugs at church and those rare occasions I get those and how they sustain me for awhile, but to live a life where you do not have someone to just hold you occasionally is tough at times, so a monthly massage, even a painful massage can fill a craving for touch and sustain me for a while.

So, here I am a few more years down the road and my finances have leveled back out, my budget has stopped giving me nightmares, and my cycling needs a swift kick in the rear to get back to where I want to be. Enter another Massage Envy membership. This time I joined the center closest to my house rather than going to where a specific therapist was working. I started out with a guy trained in sports massage and he did a good job. Not the best massage I’ve ever had but also not the worst. He was getting done what I wanted done, so there was no need to do anything different. When I started at this center they offered a couple of different names for me to choose from, but not knowing any of them I went with the first one with an opening on a night and time I was available. They have asked me once or twice if I wanted to try a different therapist when I reschedule for the next month, but I decline thinking, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Then today happened. . . It snowed in Atlanta at 1:00 pm in the afternoon.

The weatherpeople in Atlanta were calling for snow late afternoon and into the evening. They said it would be mostly South Atlanta but could shift North. They said 1/2 to 2 inches possible. A couple of counties in the Southern Metro area believed them and closed schools for the day. The rest of Atlanta decided to “see it to believe it.” Atlanta seems to have a problem when it comes to daytime Winter storms. Nobody believes they will happen. Storms that close schools happen overnight, not during the day. Until they do.

The snow started at 1, the accumulation started at 1:15, the roads got slushy by 1:45. The temps were between 23 – 27 degrees depending on whether you were South or North of the city. Offices started closing early, schools went on early release, after school programs started cancelling and next thing you know Atlanta is in gridlock.

I got a message from Massage Envy that my session for this evening was cancelled because they would be closing their center at 5 pm. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
They can’t do this to me. Normally, I would be okay with rescheduling a massage, but NOT TODAY. I ran the Hot Chocolate 5K on Sunday and like I said above – I am NOT A RUNNER. My hamstrings are screaming at me and I can barely stand up straight because they are so tight. All I have thought about since hitting the finish line Sunday morning was getting this massage Tuesday evening. Then the first blessing happened – my office closed early. My office never closes. They say things like, “if you need to leave or if you need to come in late to be safe then please do so, but the office is open.” Well, bad weather doesn’t scare me and I’ll drive most anything in most any conditions, so if the office is open then I’m gonna be there. But after the first email went out with the familiar, “the office is open, but do what you need to to be safe” language there was a second email that said, “the office is closed, be careful going home, if you have work you can take home with you please do so. Check your email in the morning for information about tomorrow.” What, what?

I called Massage Envy and asked, “are you really staying open until 5 pm?” They confirmed that they were. I stated that my office just closed early and that if they could move up my appointment I would really like to still get a massage today. They said they could schedule me but not with my regular therapist. Since he works the evening shift and they are closing early, he was not there. They said the name of who was available and I confirmed that it was the therapist I had been told was the other sports massage trained therapist at the center. Since I’ve been told I should try him also to see who might be a better fit for me, I figured today would be a good time to do that.

What would normally take 35 – 45 minutes depending on traffic, took 1 1/2 hours in drive time due to the heavy volume of cars between work and the massage center. I did not hit any bad roads only lots of traffic. According to the radio, all the bad road conditions seemed to be South, West, and Northwest of the city. I work and live North and Northeast of the city. When I got to the center this new therapist took the time to find out what was going on, what I wanted, and what I’ve had done in the past (recent past, not all the history I gave above). Most of the massage hurt like crazy – like I knew it would, but not all of it was excruciating.

When I was done – 55 minutes later, rather than 50 minutes (bonus 5 minutes) – I knew I was going to change therapist. I felt a slight tinge of guilt about this but not much because the people at the center were the ones that told me from the beginning to try more than one therapist to find the right fit. I have nothing against the first therapist and would recommend him to others, but my, oh, my, oh, my – the massage I got today ranks up there with one of the best I have ever had and having gotten this far in this post you know that is saying a lot.

This therapist stretched my hamstrings, found the knots in my calves, worked the sore out of my ribcage, loosened my shoulders, and massaged my feet all in under an hour. I’m telling you a professional foot massage is amazing even when they stretch your really tight instep after a run. And a therapist that can stretch my hamstrings so that I can stand upright and not scream in pain (in my head – I don’t scream out loud) two days after a 5k run, is top notch material in any book on my shelf.

So, it snowed in Atlanta and caught everyone off guard and unprepared. Offices and schools closed down later rather than sooner tying up traffic and causing gridlock on all the major roadways. Commutes turned into road trips in terms of time in the car. And God used all of that to bless me with receiving the massage I needed today and finding a therapist I can work with in the future. A therapist who seems to be the right mix of the therapist I worked with previously, 4 years ago at Massage Envy, and the therapist I worked with in Nashville while in law enforcement. If I am right about this, then I am looking at one great cycling season coming up. SHUT UP LEGS, we are climbing some hills.

Asked for it

When a friend told his Dad that I ran a 5K this morning in downtown Atlanta in 37 degree weather the response was, “well, some people just ask for it.”

I don’t mean to “ask for it” but I seem to have a fatal flaw in my genetic make-up. I do not know where it came from or how I got it because no one else in my family does this to themselves. Or at least not in an athletic arena.

I am NOT a runner. No way, no shape, no form could anyone ever mistake me as being a runner. I thoroughly suck at running. You can ask my junior high basketball coach who cut me from the softball team because I wasn’t a runner. He only kept me on the basketball team because I was one of the required two minority players on the team. Or ask any of the instructors from my days in law enforcement who used my lack of running ability as the means to make my life miserable and force me to quit. I know this about myself and I have had this told to me, yelled at me, and drilled into me, so why is it that I keep thinking I will someday magically enjoy one of these running events that I somehow get registered for?

This is my fatal flaw – something inside of me, that is clearly not me, sees an event and thinks, “that might be fun, let’s do it.” Then this other part of me that is definitely NOT me signs up for the event. Well, once there is money on the line then the real me is committed and gonna follow through.

A few years ago, I thought I might want to “get back into running,” so I registered for the Peachtree Road Race. I had been living in Atlanta for several years and not done this historic event. I figured I couldn’t live in Atlanta and NOT do the Peachtree at least once. Then I realized the Peachtree is only a 10K event, not one with a 5K or 10K option. Well, this “other” part of me decided I could do it anyway and I was training for a triathlon so it would be good for me. Well, I survived it, but it was a 6 mile long sufferfest.

The next year I had let a friend talk me into doing it again. Somehow this “friend” spoke to this “other” part of me and the two in cahoots registered me for another 10K event. After another 6 miles of sufferfest and bleeding toes at the end, I decided I was done with the Peachtree. I have been there, done that, gotten 2 t-shirts. It is out of my system and I am not tempted even in the least to want to do another Peachtree Road Race.

You would think I would have learned my lesson and left well enough alone by now. Oh, but no. This “other” inside of me, this fatal flaw popped up last year and thought, “I’d really like to become a runner.” We even had a fairly mild Winter so I snuck in a few runs here and there. That was the problem because I had been running some when the first Hot Chocolate flyer hit my inbox. When this “other” saw a really cool hoodie as the goodie bag and a finishers cup full of chocolate fondue and hot chocolate it decided that was the event for me. The “other” did not figure in the date being in JANUARY which is a Winter month when outside temps are COLD. I do not do cold well and even hang up the bikes for the Winter.

Then event day rolled around and we had this freak warm day in the middle of January. It was a great running day (if there are such things) and I enjoyed the event, even if I suffered through the running part. I really like my hoodie and the cup of fondue chocolate was really cool and the chocolate was tasty and yummy and good. So having an overall good experience prompted this “other” to think it was an okay idea to sign up again for this year. The “other” missed the “suffered through the running part” of that sentence. The “other” forgot that what was supposed to kick start the “year of the run” did not kick start anything. I think that January 5K was the only running I did all year.

While running this morning, I was thinking about the things written above and I could not figure out how I end up on these runs. I can go on a bike ride and suffer through it and be okay with that. I will think that it was a good ride and look forward to doing it again, same route, same suffering because I know I will get better and eventually beat that route, suffer less, overcome. But I did the Peachtree, got the lay of the land, learned what it was about and did it again and realized it was the same suffering, same dislike for running, and no improvement and no real hope for improving, so I’ve marked that off my list of things to ever do again. I did the Hot Chocolate last year got the lay of the land, learned what it was about and did it again this year and it was the same suffering, same dislike for running and no improvement and no real hope for improving, so I’m not doing this event again – it is off my list of things to ever do again.

I would like to think that I can mark running events off my list and put them behind me having learned my lesson. My toes don’t bleed after a bike ride. But as I’m typing this still slightly dehydrated, still tired, still hurting from bloody toes, I can feel the “other” inside of me and I KNOW that somewhere in my future I will end up registered for an event that will confuse me and challenge me and make me need to be committed to a mental hospital to get checked out. I know there will be suffering, and not the kind of suffering I can tolerate or “enjoy” as an athlete – it is suffering that I hate and just get through because once you step off the start line you have no choice but to get to the finish line.

I know this “other” is still there and will work against me because no matter how much it isn’t me it is doing what I need and for the most part it works. I hate it, but it works. You see, I can get extremely lazy during the Winter months because I don’t ride in the cold and getting on a trainer is just mind-numbingly boring. I have learned that not training during the Winter makes for a really hard Spring and less fun Summer riding season. This “other” inside of me puts something on the calendar in mid- to late January to force me to work out. This year it has worked.

During December I could think of excuses not to go to the pool or not to get on the trainer. I could sleep extra or sit on the couch and watch a show or I could take a regular lunch instead of going to the pool for lunch. Instead, I would get an email about Hot Chocolate this or Hot Chocolate that and I would think, “I have that stupid run in January and I am going to suffer enough, I shouldn’t make it worse than it has to be,” so I would grab my gym bag and go to the pool. I would by-pass the couch when I got home from work and hit the trainer. I would not roll over when the alarm went off and I’d get up and get moving. I would have this THING, this suffering, lingering out there before me and I knew the only way to make it slightly bearable would be to work out. Now that the run has come and gone I am getting emails from Florida counting down to my first BikeMS ride for the season.

I have gotten through the toughest part of the Winter by knowing there was this suffering coming. This run. Now I can focus on my first ride. I can go to the pool and get on the trainer because I want to go to The Citrus Tour in Florida with my team kit on and represent. I want to represent my team and the Georgia Chapter of the MS Society well, so I will work out and I will show up in Lake Wales ready to ride. No SAG, no complaints, maybe some suffering but it will be bike ride suffering – I like that kind of hurt. There will be no bleeding toes.

So while I have this fatal flaw that gets me into things I do not like and I do not want to do – things I did not ask for – it ends up not being so fatal after all and maybe not even a flaw. I am wired weird. My internal electronics have some kind of oddly developed mother board running things in a dimension that I have no control over. I just want to find out how to run better if running is going to be the Winter thing and something has got to give with the 2nd event bleeding toes. I learned the trick to riding hills better on a bike, there has to be a trick to running hills better. My own two feet need to like me as much as my bike loves me. And maybe just maybe, next time I will ask for it.

ESCAPE

So the Saturn with no name was dying and I was being forced into finding something new. Since I will drive a car until the wheels fall off or it gets smashed by something I literally find something new rather than just “new to me.” A drawback to driving a car until the wheels fall off is that it requires me to engage in the car buying process so infrequently that I am not very good at it and I dislike it very much.

As my sister said at lunch today, “of course you allieviated stress through research.” Well, yes, I alleviate stress by getting informed. Or most of the time that alleviates stress. At the beginning of this process it made things worse. When I left the mechanic after learning of the slow and painful death my Saturn was going to die, I dug into the internet to research cars. I was getting overwhelmed with makes, models, dealers, MSRPs, and features. My stress was growing not waning. I needed to get out, get away, get clear headed.

I grabbed my gym bag and headed to the swimming pool. I declared I would swim laps until I was clear headed. (watch what you declare when stressed) 5 laps down I’m thinking about the differences of this pool over the one I usually swim at and how I like the other one better; 10 laps down and I’m getting better at reverse breathing because the sun is in my eyes coming back up the lane so I have to breath on my left side; 15 laps down and my shoulder is getting tight and breathing is hard because of sinus drainage; 20 laps down and I’m thinking this is my usual quitting point but I’m no clearer headed than when I started; 21 laps I start thinking about my lack of current debt; 22 laps I realize I can pull money that is going into different savings accounts back together to make a car payment amount; 23 laps (I’m getting really slow in the pool) I realize that I don’t need to worry about tomorrow – today; 24 laps I remember my faith foundation is a firm one tested and tried and found to be solid, so why am I doubting God’s faithfulness to see me through?; 25 laps it isn’t doubting God’s faithfulness, I’m doubting my ability to trust God’s faithfulness; 26 laps Holy Spirit please help me get out of the way and trust God to walk me through this process; 27 laps just to do one more.

Getting out of the pool 40 minutes after entering it and barely able to lift my arms, I changed clothes, sat in my car in the parking in lot, grabbed my journal and wrote: 1- I hate Satan, 2 – I hate my lack of faith, 3 – God has always taken care of me, 4 – I just stopped paying on student loans and divided that payment up into savings – I can undivide that money and have a car payment, 5 – I wasn’t saving much before and I’ve always been fine – heck – a tree fell on my fence and the church came and re-built it for me, 6 – I don’t have to worry about future money issues, just take care of today’s issues and tomorrow’s will take care of themselves, 7 – I hate being in debt, 8 – 3/5 years of car debt is better than 30 years of student loan debt, 9 – I like bologna sandwiches for real so eating like a poor man won’t be so bad for me.

With that, I went home and turned the computer back on. This time I wasn’t so overwhelmed and the financing options I was seeing were reasonable and surprising and weren’t there before. I had a clear head, a game plan, and a means to carry it out. I was also exhausted from my swim and slept very well Saturday night.

Sunday, I learned that Jesus has examined my door and determined it is worth going through so He stands at the door and knocks. He has deemed me worthy to pursue. That is refreshing to know because I just opened the door and said, “so glad you’re here, come help.” Then I talked to a guy that knows about cars and explained what the mechanic said Saturday morning. I wanted to know what the prognosis might be? Should I be buying today, or do I have some time? He said I had some time but not much if I wanted to get anything out of the car. Ouch!

There is a CarMax near my house that could be on the way home if I chose to go that route. As fearful as I am about stepping onto a car lot in person I knew it would have to happen eventually and I wanted to know what a car person thought about my car in terms of monetary value, so I went that way. CarMax gave me a quote on my car that I thought was low compared to the online quotes I got Saturday during my research, but I know that online is just numbers and CarMax actually touched the car. At least now I have a starting point for trade-in talk and I broke the ice by stepping onto a car lot. While there and waiting on the appraisal, I looked at the cargo space in the Ford Escape to see if it would hold my interior bike rack and my bike (the most important part of me buying a car). Beside the Escape was an Edge, so I asked about it and looked at its cargo area also. Now, I have two models to compare and talk about in my continued search.

Later Sunday night I discovered two mailers I had kept from over a month ago with customer incentives and pre-approved financing from Ford. I never keep stuff like that and it rarely makes it into the house because I toss it into the recycling bin in the garage as I go from the mailbox to the house. For some reason over a month ago I held onto these two flyers. Probably day-dreaming about owning a F-150 because I do that a lot. I want a F-150 so badly I can’t stand it, but it is not a practical every day vehcile to own especially in Atlanta traffic. The significance of finding these flyers at the moment I did, was more an affirmation that God was moving well before I was in need and He was affirming the research and plans I had done to this point.

Monday, I prayed a lot and did a little bit more research. I also made the bold move of contacting a couple of dealerships via email to start the conversation. One dealer stood out among the rest as being helpful, informative, and willing to do business, so I kept the conversation going with him. By the end of the work day I had agreed to meet with him on Tuesday after work to test drive the Escape and the Edge and get a trade-in value on my Saturn. At my Bible Study group Monday night when I asked for prayers as I continued through this intimidating process, one member of the group asked what I was looked at and when I said Ford, she said her daughter might have a “friends” discount I could use. Wow. Another confirmation – another showing that God is working here.

Tuesday confirmed that I could use a “friends” discount but it would be Wednesday before she could get it to me. I emailed my contact at the dealership this new information so he could have new pricing worked up for me when I came for the test drive.

Tuesday at the dealership went like I expected. I drove the cars, I put my bike rack and bike in both cars to check for fit and accomodation, they talked numbers and re-talked numbers, then I met with the finance guy who messed with all the numbers that had already been agreed to and satisfied with only frustrating me and turning the whole experience south at the end of the night, and eventually signatures were done, keys exchanged and I left with a new car and a promise to send them the discount code when I got it from my friend’s daughter.

What I didn’t expect was the amount of time all of that would take. I knew I would be there for a couple to a few hours, but I arrived at 10 minutes until 6 pm and I left at 10 minutes until 11 pm. I went straight there from work and had nothing to eat during that time. My day started early with an off-site webinar training and anticipation of this evenings meeting with a car dealer. By 9 pm I was tired – at 10 pm I was really hungry and tired, when I left I was tired, hungry, and grumpy (again – the finance guy should not be the last experience you have with the dealership – bad taste in your mouth after hours of fun and bantering with the dealer guy – not smart car guys). I understand that typically you do the financing and then the dealer guy goes over the car features and owners manuel and gives you the keys and all that jazz before you leave. Because this was late in the evening, and I spent a lot of time waiting around for the finance guy to finish up with the customers ahead of me, all of that was done out of order. We transferred my bike rack, bike, and personal items from the Saturn to the Escape and went over all the features of the Escape including Syncing my phone to the handsfree bluetooth while waiting. This meant that when I was done with annoying finance guy I shook hands with fun dealer guy, said goodbye, was told which of the entrances was still unlocked for me to get out and I left.

Oh, how I missed my Saturn in that moment. In my tired, hungry, grumpy, frustrated moment I wanted familiar and comfortable but was surrounded by new and how-do-I-get-home-from-here confusion. I called home and talked to Mom which helped with the frustrated and grumpy. Then I talked to my brother, who kept bugging me via fb and text to find out the status of car buying while I was car buying, and that helped with familiar and comfortable. I went straight home, made a tiny detour to give Nestor some peanut butter for the night, and then straight to bed, which should have helped with the tired but sleep would not come. Hungry was just out of luck because I wasn’t going to eat anything that late.

This morning as I was reading the daily devotional from “Doors” it started with Matthew 6:33-34 which includes, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” Um, didn’t I say that during my swim? Why didn’t I remember that last night? Then it went on with Luke 12:32-34 which starts “Do not be afraid . . for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.” Hello! Again, with the swimming revelation, forgotten so quickly in a few hours of frustration that robbed me of my sleep, and sent my faith crashing to the floor again. Why can’t I remember that my faith foundation is solid and not a swinging bridge? Why, must I fret again and again over the same issues?

So, I breathed in and I breathed out and I sighed a heavy sigh and my load was lighter, my day brightened and I now can say, “yes, I got a new car.” I introduced the car to Dana at lunch and we hung out for a bit before she headed back to TN having been in town for a conference. I thought she might find out what the new car’s name is and share that with me before she left. We didn’t talk about names for the car, so it must not have said anything to her. However, it might have said something to me . . .

The car is a Ford Escape. Escape means to break free from confinement or control; or fail to be noticed or remembered by someone. I think Ford named an SUV – Escape with the idea that people would escape the mundane and get out to enjoy life, go on adventures and play. I plan on using this car for a lot of playing, that is why it was so important for the bike rack and bike to fit. I plan on going on adventures with my 50 rides in 50 states dream. With my recent faith journey in acquiring the vehicle I’m thinking about the breaking free from worry and doubt and my great ability to let my faith escape me when I’m frustrated and scared. So, thinking about all that the word escape means physically and spiritually what came to mind is that crazy commercial, “Calgon take me away.” I had to go look it up.

Calgon came from CALcium and GONe because the original product was a water softener meant to remove calcium. Then they started making essential oils, bath products, and shave gels. When you look at the history of the Calgon company and the “take me away” campaign you see phrases like “love the skin you’re in,” “lose yourself in luxury,”and the famous “calgon take me away.” I like that image of being comfortable with being who you are because growing up on every youth trip we were told, “remember who you are and whose you are,” so to be comfortable with who I am, I have to be comfortable with whose I am. If you look back at the Luke verse mentioned above it states, “for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.” God has been with me through this entire car buying process and every car I’ve ever owned I have said, “this is God’s car, He just lets me hold the keys.” This one is no different. I can’t imagine anyting more luxurious than to be lost in God’s kingdom because he allowed me be a part of it, to share in it, to hold the keys to the car. And, finally, the car will be my escape – when I need a break, when I need a vacation, when I need to go play, when I need a steering wheel to pound my fist on – it will take me away. So maybe, just maybe his name is Calgon?!?

Didn’t Know His Name

I’ve said before that my sister names almost everything, but especially vehicles and kitchen appliances. She even names other people’s vehicles and kitchen appliances if they do not do it for themselves (or maybe she just does family members). Anyway, I name my bicycles but nothing else inanimate in my life has a name – that I gave to it. My fridge was named Owen – by my sister. My microwave was named Sergeant Mike – by my sister. The mixer I own was originally my sister’s, so it came to me with the name Martha and Martha came well loved and cared for because my sister bakes a LOT. But my car has always eluded her. From the time I bought my car until the present it has not given up its name.

You see, Dana believes that the object will tell you its name and that you can’t just call it anything you want to. She thinks that I should know my car’s name because I am the one spending all this time with it. But alas, I have not “heard” it tell me anything. I have never walked up to it and thought, “Hello, _____” nor have I slammed on the brakes and yelled, “_________.” I have done that with my bicycles and therefore, they all have names. Dana thinks my car is a secret agent and uses so many aliases that even he doesn’t know his real name anymore, so he can’t tell us.

Well, I have spent 12 years with this car almost daily in his presence. In those 12 years not many days went by that I didn’t use him, get something out of him, put something into him, or look through the window for something. There were rare weeks where he was left somewhere while I was off with someone else or gone in a rental car, but over the course of 12 years those were very few indeed. Since I have lived in Atlanta for 9 years and before that I never lived anywhere more than 7 years I have not been in daily contact with anyone or anything for as long as I have with this car. This car represents my longest running relationship to date. And I don’t even know his name.

This car came to me because the truck I owned previous to him was totaled in a wreck where I should have died. That truck should have been the last thing I ever drove but a guardian angel and reinforced steel provided very different results than physics and human anatomy would dictate under the conditions of that wreck.

So I have this car I shouldn’t have ever owned, that I’ve had for longer than most people keep any vehicle, that has experienced more of my life with me than any other continuous relationship I’ve ever had and now I have to figure out how to replace him. He is unique and no one makes this car anymore, so I can’t just get another one like him. I have to get something similar but it won’t be the same Brand, Make or Model.

This car parked in spaces labeled “Reserved: United States Secret Service Agent,” and then felt the tears and the pounding on the steering wheel as I drove away from that space for the last time. Then it parked in the B lot at the hospital while I assisted nurses in their duties on the night shift, helping those on the ICU step-down ward either recover to go home, or pass peacefully and with dignity from this life. It covered a lot of miles in middle TN to diagnose patients or inmates experiencing mental health crisis while dodging deer and once not quite dodging so well. On his first day with me, he was driven by Mary Lauren from church to Wal-Mart after she just got her license. Her Mom thought I was crazy for letting her drive my brand new car with her brand new license. I said, “it is only a car” and it made me the really cool cousin to let her drive my car. It brought me to Atlanta to live with my sister to form a bond that childhood never allowed the time to form. And he has kept me dreaming of one day going back to where both of our roots are in Middle TN. I’m from Pulaski. He’s from Spring Hill. I’ve failed him there because I’m no closer to getting back to TN now than when I got to Atlanta.

I have sung praise, prayed many prayers, danced happy dances, cried happy and sad tears, received more than one bruise from hitting the steering wheel out of anger or frustration, driven aimlessly and purposely, given rides to strangers and friends, loaded and unloaded countless bikes on numerous bike rides, slept in, eaten in, changed clothes in, been hit on the head by the lift gate, scraped on the leg by the door, gotten greasy from the engine, been worried and scared about finances from repair bills, called Dad, a ton, with questions about car stuff, and taken for granted this pile of metal and plastic that I once said was “just a car” but as I am faced with finding a replacement I seem to think of him as something more and I kinda wish I knew his name.

Everything has a “shelf-life” and my car seems to have hit his limit. I’ve reached the point where making needed repairs will cost more than the car is worth and will only prolong the inevitable rather than avoid it altogether. The inevitable would get closer and closer with each repair I make which would reduce the return on investment each time. So, it is time to stop putting money into the 12 year old car with over 200,000 miles of loyalty and let him rest. Now I have to navigate the world of car buying which intimidates me because I buy for the long haul, so what I get has to be what I want today, but will still be what I want 10 years from now. What I can afford today, and still afford 3 years, 5 years, and 10 years from now. I have to be willing to stand up for myself in negotiations because a regret in a car purchase will be a regret for a long long time. I know because I had a regret about a feature on my truck – which as it turned out only lasted for 4 years before being killed by an 18-wheeler (which thankfully only killed my truck and not me too).

I have some time to look and plan and negotiate, but the window isn’t going to be open long. A friend who knows about cars talked to me this morning and gave a prognosis of no more than 90 days. I will act sooner than that because I will not want to have this hanging over my head for that long since it is a measure of months and not quarter years or years. I’m not looking forward to this, but it is part of being a grown up and one of those things in life you just gotta do. I love buying new bicycles, I hate buying new cars – that is why I drive them until the wheels fall off (which might literally happen with this one if I keep going too much longer with it).

Maybe the new car will introduce himself – if not to me, at least to Dana.

Mind Control

There are two things that we as humans struggle to control on a daily basis: our tongue and our mind.

Some of us don’t bother with controlling either and some will try to control one but not the other. There are times that I do well with one or both, but it is hard to maintain that kind of discipline all the time. To control my tongue I usually just stay quiet. This too seems to get me in trouble or at least makes people question my mood, attitude, or demeanor. If I had a dollar for all the times I heard, “Renee you are being quiet today, are you okay?” then I’d be a rich woman. When I first moved to Atlanta and folks who knew my sister were meeting me for the first time would pull my sister aside and ask “is everything alright with your sister?” She would look puzzled and say, “yes, why?” They would answer, “well, she is so quiet and that is very different from you, so we weren’t expecting that and wondered if maybe she were “slow” or something.” Those folks get a good laugh now about thinking that then. There are so many similarities and so many differences with me and my sister that we kept them guessing all the time. They couldn’t figure us out, so they stopped trying and just enjoyed the oddness of the “Spivy girls.”

Anyway, back to mind control: When I am not being intentional about my thought processes my mind will wander (not unlike most folks, I’m sure). What my mind does is create these fantasy stories like I’m reading a novel or watching a TV series. A good fantasy can go for months with “chapters” or “episodes” where the characters are interacting in different places, times, and events. I know you are thinking there is no harm in this mind wandering, so why worry about controlling that? For me, these stories can take over and I’ll ruminate about them to the extent that I shut out other events and activities. I will lie awake at night letting the stories play out. I can spend an entire day off doing nothing but letting these stories play in my head. Perfectly content in my quiet house, doing no chores, running no errands, speaking to no real people, but letting these stories play in my head. See that is the problem. I let these fantasy stories take the place of real relationship.

I’ve been more acutely aware of these fantasy stories lately because they stopped when I was taking the anti-depressant medication. I even forgot that I did this until I was off of the medication for a few weeks and then I started doing it again. Thinking back, I think I started doing this in college when I would drive 12 hours between Knoxville, TN and Bossier City, LA by myself. I would get bored with the radio and my CD’s and I hadn’t learned of audio books yet, so I would make up stories to pass the time. I would think of friends I would want to invite home with me and think about things I would show them or stories I would tell them about my childhood in Louisiana if they were with me. Like “tour guide” stories that would never happen. It was my imaginary friend tales with real people as the characters all in my head. It worked well for 12-hour car trips for the 7 years I lived in Knoxville (except for that one when I had strep throat, was running a fever, and don’t remember anything from Memphis, TN to my parent’s couch – still not sure I how got home that time). It doesn’t work well when it keeps me awake at night, interrupts work, or replaces real relationships.

So, I’ve decided to take control of my mind – be more intentional about what I am thinking. When I’m not focused on something directly, like work product, conversation, study, entertainment (TV/Movie), or writing (journal/blog) then I have to find things to occupy my mind to stop the wandering. At first, I was okay with controlling when the wandering happened. I was okay with giving it a time and a place but making sure it didn’t interfere with things like work or sleep. I was pretty good at re-focusing when I knew I had a time set aside for story creation. Now, I’ve decided that the fantasy stories are not healthy in and of themselves because they are replacing real relationship. I became content living with the real characters in the made-up stories rather than interacting with the real people in real life situations. Life is about story. Telling a good story, living a good story, being engaged in others’ stories. I was telling my stories to myself through imaginary relationships because I haven’t made the effort to form the real relationships where I can tell my stories, hear their stories, and live new stories together.

What I have learned so far in this mind control endeavor is that it is hard, real hard. The first thing you have to do is decide what you do want to think about. There has to be something going on in your head, so what will it be? I can’t say, “stop thinking that” and not have something else ready to put there. It is like redirecting a toddler. You can tell them to leave “that” alone all you want but until you get them interested in something else they will not redirect themselves. You can’t tell them no, you have to give them an exchange. They aren’t developed enough to figure out another option when the one they are enjoying is right in front of them. My mind is the same way. It cannot find another option when the thoughts it is enjoying are right there. I have to be prepared ahead of time with a replacement thought.

Today, my regular lunch group was not going out together, so I was on my own. I knew this could be bad for me because I wasn’t prepared to be dining alone which meant a whole hour of wandering thoughts unless I did something about that. Since I was craving sushi I tried to find my sushi eating buddy to go with me but she was not around when I started looking. I could go to the sushi place anyway, sit at the bar and people watch, but that might not be enough to curtail the wandering thoughts. So, I took my tablet with me. It has several books downloaded on it and a few games. My morning devotional book is on it but I didn’t want to read ahead in it, so I pulled up another book. I pulled up a book that I have been reading off and on for over a year. It has good stuff in it but I haven’t made a point to just finish it. What I read at lunch is exactly what I needed to read today, so maybe there is a reason I haven’t finished it yet – timing.

The book is “The Me I Want To Be” and the chapter I pulled up to read is titled, “Think Great Thoughts.” Now that is Divine intervention. I have been praying A LOT about this mind control stuff. On the way home from work yesterday I prayed that Holy Spirit would fill my head all the way home so I wouldn’t create a story in the car. That worked. During my swim yesterday (because that is a great time to create stories in your head – during lap after lap after lap in a pool) I prayed for a way to stop the stories and then realized I could stop them by praying. It was really cool actually. My final five laps, I prayed thank you and praise prayers for the muscles pulling through the water, the tendons turning my joints as my body rotated on each stroke, my neurons that fired in unison to tell me when to kick, when to pull, when to glide, when to breath in and when to breath out and as I got to the final descriptive motion/body part/collective experience to say Amen – I touched the wall to end my workout. I’ve never prayed like that before and I’m sure I’ve never had five incredible laps like that before, it was really awesome.

Okay, back to the book: Ortberg talks about “setting your mind” like setting a thermostat in your house. You pick the target you are aiming for and then you use adjustments up or down, turning on the heat or cool to get to that target. That makes sense. I need to pick a target, a positive thought to focus my attention on and then as the wandering fantasy thoughts come I can adjust up or down as I need to toward my target.

Since I am reading a few different books at the same time right now I have a few different sources of heating and cooling to choose from in moving toward my target. As I move away from the wandering thoughts and replace them with target thoughts I can choose prayer, specifically the prayer I am circiling right now as an exercise from “The Circle Maker” that I am reading at night. I can choose salt and light living and focus on the Jesus challenge in “Living Jesus” that I am also reading at night right now. I can choose the relationship dynamic and friendship that “The Beloved Disciple” had with Jesus from my morning Beth Moore devotional and I can talk to Cajun Jesus about how to use what I’m learning about John and Jesus’ friendship in building my friendship with Cajun Jesus. Finally, I can pull all of this together and think about the “Doors” devotional from church that I am reading daily and decide if I believe Heaven is an open door to me, do I have my door open to Jesus or not, and how open is my door to those around me? These books all have a lot of meat to chew on, so I need to choose to chew on them and not wander in fantasy.

This is very much a work in progress and I can’t tell you how many times in a day I catch myself and say, “stop it, no fantasizing” but I have tools to work with, I have an awareness of something needing fixing, and I’m willing to roll up my sleeves and get after it. I have a feeling controlling my mind is going to be tough, dirty, difficult, long-suffering work – but I’m feeling up for it.

You may not ruminate, fantasize, or let your mind wander in weird story-like fashion but I know you let your mind go out of control sometimes. It may seem overwhelming to keep it in check but I can guarantee it is possible. I have experienced the possibilities over the past few weeks, there is nothing you can’t turn your mind off of if you just find the thing you want to turn your mind on to first and then “set your mind to it.”

Hello, My name is . . .

Hello, my name is Renee and I’ve been missing for awhile – well the real Renee has been, but she has been found now, so all is good.

We know this is the real Renee because a synonym dictionary would show Renee to be synonymous with insane, crazy, wacked-out, not-right-in-the-head, or odd duck.

While going through my funk and getting out of it I did some of my usual odd stuff like riding my bike across Iowa or doing that with only 100 miles of training before going. But you all expect that kind of big event stupid crazy out of me by now, right? It is little, day-to-day, why would you do that to yourself crazy that I stopped doing. I know you are thinking that is probably a good thing, but not really. For me, the little, day-to-day crazy is what really makes me – well, me. It is the stuff that fuels these blogs and you are the ones reading them, so you must like something about my crazy.

In my, year in review post, I mentioned that I have stopped taking the anti-depressant medication that was instrumental in getting me back on track to move out of my funk. There was some question as to whether or not that was a good choice or not – was the timing right? There was enough of a question that I had to have a 2nd follow up appointment with my PCP after stopping the medication to make sure it really was the right choice. At the first follow up there were still some symptoms that made the stopping seem not so smart, but not necessarily stupid. At the 2nd follow up it was clear that stopping was the right thing for me. This is why . . . (and at the end I’ll tell you tonight’s really crazy Renee adventure)

Usually, anti-depressant medication is prescribed to help a person think more clearly. In thinking more clearly the person can then work through the problems or issues that might be causing their symptoms leading to depression. This was the explanation given to me and why I agreed to start the meds initially. The meds did help with thinking more clearly, responding more calmly, and sleeping more soundly. The thing about that for me was that I just let the meds deal with everything then and didn’t put in the work to fix anything else. Mostly because I was taking the meds only somewhat willingly – I was still not happy about needing them, so I wasn’t happy about them actually working, so I just let them do their thing and I did my thing, but I wasn’t going to cooperate with them and work together. Did I say I was stubborn when I said I was crazy and insane?

When I decided it was time to start actually working on setting things straight, now that I could think straight, react calmer, and get good sleep, I knew it was time to stop the meds. That sounds really counterintuitive and probably not what most people should do. I even had people say that I shouldn’t do that. But I knew me, and I knew how my brain worked and I knew I was ready, but I had to stop the meds to prove I was ready. My PCP was willing to do what I wanted and titrated me down with a follow up appointment to see how it goes. My first day off the meds did not go so well and I thought, “oh crap, I’m gonna have to go back on those stupid things and never come off.” [aside: If you are on anti-depressants, please do not take anything I say as applying to anyone but me – I am not commenting on how others should take or not take meds and I am not passing judgment on taking or not taking anti-depressants. They are great meds for a specific purpose and help many people, so do not read into what I am writing as my opinion in general – this is my opinion for ME and only for ME.]

The next couple of weeks had some ups and downs but mostly I was good and getting better, adjusting to being off of the medication. In the 3rd week off the medication, which was the first week of being off completely after the titration, I started having ruminating thoughts that I once had a long time ago and forgot that I even did. I wasn’t sure what to make of that and started thinking about those thoughts, what they were about, when they occurred and what they interfered with in my life. As I processed that, other things became more clear about symptom etymology and I started wondering if it wasn’t depression at all but something else that had symptoms like depression but a very different source. I talked this theory out with a couple of folks and they could see where I was coming from and thought I might have some validity to my thinking but the treatment would be the same no matter what the source. Yes, medication treatment would be the same, behavioral or mental therapy treatments would not. They of course suggested that I see a therapist. I was quick to point out that I AM A THERAPIST.

So, at the first follow up appointment I explained all this crazy thinking to my PCP and she said, “you know most people have these types of insights and clarity of thought when they go on the medication, not when they come off the medication.” I reminded her that I am not most people. So you see the dilemma? There were symptoms, but there was this clarity of thought and insight leading to understanding these symptoms, so do you go back on the medication to control the symptoms or stay off and work through the insights? I think I was enough of a conundrum that my PCP chose to go with the latter and have me come back in another month to make sure I wasn’t having some psychotic break and talking out of my head.

During that month I realized all the things I had stopped doing that were the things that really made me who I am. I wasn’t reading because I would come home and watch Hulu or CBS.com shows for hours. I purposefully chose to not have a TV in my house so I would not watch TV shows for hours upon hours and here I was doing that with my computer. When I’m not reading, I’m not dreaming of things I can do bigger, better, stronger. When I’m not dreaming, I have no initiative, no “want-to,” I go through the motions and “just get by.” When I’m not striving for bigger, better, stronger then I’m not working out or training or planning events that I need to work out or train for (other than the standard charity events that I can’t not do or I’d be flogged or tarred and feathered by my teammates and/or the MS Society and CF Foundation). When I’m not working out I’m gaining weight, getting weak, and feeling sorry for myself. I have time on my hands, so I get bored, lonely, and {depressed}.

Great insight happening here, now to do something about it before that next appointment to prove that my “want-to” is back, my initiative still works, and my will power didn’t drain completely dry. This is where my crazy kicked back into full on Renee . . . and I’m lovin’ it!!!!

I started out by getting back into the writing groove. I have written in my journal almost nightly since resolving to buck up and fly right. You may have noticed that I have written a few blogs recently also. I used a gift card from Christmas and bought a book to start reading at night before bed and then remembered I had borrowed a book from a friend that I hadn’t even touched yet. I read the first couple of chapters in the book I bought and it raised some really good questions that I want to chew on a bit before I go any further, so I started reading the other book. Now I read a little in the bought book to get meat to chew on for a few days and in the interim read the borrowed book.

THAT IS THE REAL RENEE – two books at a time, but usually one is downstairs and one is upstairs – these are both by the bed. Then I started getting up a little bit earlier each morning and I read a short chapter out of devotional book before work. My church is doing a 40 day study right now, so I also have that devotional each morning. Two books by the bed, two devotional books in the morning, and next week my weekly Bible study group starts back up so I’ll have a weekly Bible study lesson to do also. Do you know what all this reading does for ruminating thoughts? Takes all their time and space away, so they have no room to ruminate. Do you know what two religious books by the bed and two devotionals each morning does for keeping one calm during the day? I may need to start taking a medication to get my blood pressure up.

Finally, the working out. Other than my sinuses draining I am finally healthy, so no excuses. I started out slow and easy on the trainer one day after work, then last Sunday afternoon I went to the pool to remember how to swim and get re-acclimated to the pool environment. For the past week I have either been on the trainer followed by abs work on the aerobic ball, or I’ve been to the pool everyday but one. And today, I did REAL RENEE CRAZY – – I went to the pool for a typical 30 minute workout, then I went to the park and ran/walked 2 miles. Yep, the two workouts in the same day Renee just happened and that hasn’t happened in FOREVER.

The writing, reading, and working out that was happening before the second appointment were enough that my demeanor (or at least what I could tell of it) had changed significantly. My PCP came into the room and asked, “well, how are things going?” I said, “good.” She said, “what about those other symptoms we talked about last time?” I said, “those were good – not a problem.” Could have been the shortest check up ever, but I actually gave her more details about the why things were good and the other symptoms were not a problem. She didn’t act like I had a third eye or was something so far from any textbook she’d read that she was scared of me this time – so it was okay for me to not be on the medication and no more follow ups are needed. She said, “I guess we’ll see you when . . . we see you.” (Which may be when I catch pneumonia from going to the park to run after going to the pool to swim – in January)

I feel better right now than I have felt in probably the past 2 or so years. (except for the stupid sinus drainage thing) My thoughts are clear, my brain is engaged, my spirit feels light, I’m smiling (at least with my eyes and I feel it on the inside – I don’t think my lips are actually in a smile formation, they rarely are), and I’m tired from being active not from lounging around like a slug which means I will sleep well not restless.

As the old game show used to say, “Would the real Renee please stand up?”

Hello, my name is Renee – the real Renee and I’m really glad to be back.

The Departure

I sent an email to someone this week where I linked to the beginning of my Cajun Jesus story blogs. In doing that I got pulled into the posts and read through them all really enjoying reliving those stories and I realized – I never told the story of the last day. I never finished the Cajun Jesus posts. I apologize.

For those that might be new around here or want to refresh or catch up you can jump back to here http://wp.me/p7xJE-oS and read through about every other post for a bit.

Everyone else: I ended with this statement: The next morning I was able to summarize what I had learned in this manner, “Life isn’t always sunshine and roses and that is okay. It is okay to be disappointed. It is not okay to be alone and isolated in that disappointment. Jesus has been there, done that, so let Him guide you through.”

I got up that last morning, dressed, packed, ate breakfast, and loaded my car. Then I sat in my reading spot with my journal and wrote out the sentence above while waiting for Eddie. Each time Eddie has come to meet with me, he has come in through the back door. It is the door closest to his house, so the most convenient to get to. We would meet with me sitting on the couch and him sitting in a chair in front of me, sitting beside me, walking around in front of me, etc. But not this morning . . .

Eddie came in through the front door, walked up to me, held out a hand for me to take in order to stand up. I did so and he hugged me tight then led me by the hand to the two chairs by the bay window. He said, up until now I’ve come in the back but today I want to greet you as a friend like Cajun Jesus would and a friend would come in through the front of the house and greet you with a hug – a knowing and comforting hug. Each time we’ve met before has been in the darkness, but today we will meet in the light of day so that God’s light and love can shine down on all that we do and say.

We sat down in the chairs and just looked out over the beautiful lawn to the bayou and dock. Breathing in and out, being in God’s presence. Then Eddie asked, “what are you thinking?” I didn’t know. I wasn’t thinking anything really, just being, so I answered, “I’m thinking, do you need a lawn person because I’d really rather not leave.” That statement jumped my thoughts ahead to what was next, away from the bayou and I didn’t want to go there. Eddie took my hand and said, “don’t think of me sitting here, think of Cajun Jesus sitting with you as you take in the sights and the sounds and the smells.” Then he started talking to me from the perspective of Cajun Jesus. “Renee, it was nice to meet you in the swamp and I want to go with you as you leave here, I am not staying behind without you.” “Renee, you still seem burdened and you know my yoke is easy and my burden is light, let me carry that for you.” “Renee, what would you like to ask of me?”

I won’t lie here folks this was awkward and uncomfortable at first. I mean I’m sitting in a chair next to a former professor, friend, and mentor, holding his hand and feeling really out of place. But as Eddie talked and I focused outside and not on him I let my thoughts and my feelings go to where he was leading and I asked some questions and Eddie gave me some questions and after what seemed like an eternity he took a deep breath and let it out slowly and said, “Renee, I’m going to let go of your hand now, but I’m never going to let go of you.”

Then Eddie picked his Bible up and read a verse to me. I don’t remember what it was and I didn’t journal about this last morning so I don’t have it written down anywhere. I think he re-read the verse from earlier, Hebrews 5:7-8 to remind me that even Jesus didn’t live his ideal picture.

With another moment of silence to allow me time to take it all in and process it, the weekend was done. Eddie got up, gave me a big long tight hug and said he would let Judy know I was getting ready to leave because she wanted a chance to say goodbye. Then we did the financial stuff and he left to run my credit card, get an invoice and come back with Judy. I got the last few items I needed out of the fridge, went and washed my tear stained face, and had everything in the car so all I had to do was say goodbye and go. I thought about another walk out to the swamp, but I really needed to get on the road because it was going to be a long drive back to Atlanta as it was.

Eddie and Judy returned, I finished up the financial stuff with Eddie and said my thanks and goodbyes with Judy, who hugs as tight and long as Eddie does. Then I said my thanks, my eternal gratitude, and goodbyes to Eddie who still scares me. He thanked me for coming and allowing him to share in my life because he needed my presence in his in this moment more than I knew. Finally, they both prayed over me and then it was really time to go.

I drove away slowly, breathing in and breathing out, with my Cajun Jesus pillow on the seat next to me. Really really glad I came, not sure where to go next other than home.

I didn’t know what to expect when I came, I didn’t know what to expect as I left, but I know I learned a lot while I was there and it wasn’t anything I could have learned anywhere else but from Eddie. It was what I needed whether I wanted it or not and as I left I knew I really did want it and I wanted to know when I would be back because I can definitely see myself coming back.

Baby Time

Seems like we talk a lot about Father time and how he marches on. We relate to Father Time better I guess because we feel the passing of time as weighing on us like age. I always thought it odd how the cartoon Baby Time aged soooo much in one year to become the cartoon Father Time with his cane and long beard. That was a lot of hard living in that one year to age a man that much. Of course we can look at any President’s picture from his first day in office to his last day, whether a one or two termer, and see the effects of time almost as drastic as Baby Time to Father Time in the cartoons.

Today, I believe I know why the year starts with the image of a baby.

We make all these resolutions about how the coming year is going to be better than the one we just left. We think that something magical is going to happen at midnight on that one day of the year so that all the things we did or didn’t do during the past 12 months will now change and poof today will be a new and different day. Then we wake up on January 2nd and realize that nothing magical happened and going to work on the 2nd looks and feels just like going to work on the 30th of December did. Unless we have some strong support or mighty motivation in place it won’t take long before those resolutions fall by the wayside and we start trudging through the new year like we trudged out of the old year.

But today, I discovered that the new year starts out with Baby Time because it isn’t magical and going to change all at once at the stroke of midnight. If you really want to make lasting changes you need to baby step into them and not shock the system. I did this purely by accident.

I had grand plans to start the new year off with a strategy, a process, a system that I would focus on and implement each day to make the changes I know I need to make in my life. I had it planned out to start this morning a couple of hours before I needed to leave for work. Before leaving for work I would get in a workout, a devotional, a shower, and breakfast. This all coming from someone who knows exactly how long I can stay in bed before I will be late walking out the door every morning. All of a sudden I was going to magically get up early and get all this done just because I wanted to. HA! My want-to isn’t that strong.

So here is what really happened: The alarm went off and I woke up (well I was awake because I always am, but I acknowledged that I needed to be awake). Then I rolled over and ignored my plan. The whole time I was berating myself for not being up and doing all these things I had planned to do, but my feet were not hitting the floor. Finally, I made myself get up but my time had dwindled so much that I had to choose an activity. I could do a short workout and shower or shower then read a devotional or shower and eat breakfast, but I couldn’t do more than that. I decided that I could workout after work, I could take breakfast to work, but I wanted the quiet time with the devotional. So I showered, read the first chapter in the devotional book I downloaded yesterday, packed my breakfast and walked out the door 2 minutes late.

Traffic was light, so I actually got to work on-time. I ate my breakfast while checking emails. The day went really well. I wasn’t tired from my early wake up call and I felt a bit more energized than I have in quite some time. It also helped that my VP complimented me on more than one occasion today because of a report I completed prior to the holidays that went very well. He stresses about this report and its significance, so it getting approved on first submission is a big deal and a huge relief to him – thus the praise I got because he has turned this task over to me and this is the 2nd year I’ve done the reporting with no follow up requests.

Having had a good day at work and starting the day off on a good foot, I wanted to keep the momentum going. I got home and went straight to my room to change clothes. I jumped on the trainer and started spinning. I did know enough to know to go easy and not try to hammer out a serious workout since I’ve not ridden anything in a couple of months. When I got off the trainer and wrote my measly little workout down in my cycling journal it hit me – – I’ve got to baby step this thing.

I can’t be mad at myself for not jumping right up this morning and going all gang busters into my plan because that wouldn’t have lasted a full week. Instead I should be proud of myself for getting up and doing one of the tasks, then following through with the post work workout. Tomorrow morning I can get up a few minutes earlier and do just a little bit more so I can actually leave on time and not 2 minutes late. The next day I can do just a little bit more and the next day just a little bit more and I can baby step my way into 2014 and the goals I have set for myself. Afterall, I set the goals for the year not for the first week.

The cartoonist had it right and I didn’t realize it – Baby Time is the way to ring in the new year.

Now to prove him wrong on the Father Time way to leave the old year behind and I think I’ll be on to something.

Berating and Believing

As has become my custom over the past several years, I start out a new year by reviewing the past year and setting goals for the coming year. I’m not sure how well this blog is going to turn out in those regards since I haven’t felt “present” during most of 2013. Tradition being what it is though, I didn’t want to skip this post, so here goes . . .

The following is what I stated as my goals for 2013:
For right now, I would have to say that my goals for 2013 are these:

Fitness: BikeMS: Atlanta, CF Cycle for Life, and possibly RAGBRAI along with whatever training is needed to accomplish these events. I am running the Hot Chocolate 5K in January just because I can and because I want to. I hope to run a few more 5Ks this year whether they are organized events or just at the park. I think it is the year to run. I want to lose 16 pounds. I want to go back to healthy eating, cooking at home, and reducing my cholesterol. This means I am cutting way back on sugar and regaining my intentionality about what I put in my mouth.

Personal goals: I want to get completely out of my 2012 funk. I have started moving out of it some the past month but I’m not all the way out yet. I need to find something to focus my time and energy on, to motivate me to be active mentally, physically, and spiritually. I need to fight the lazy that has set in. I have a couple of ideas on how to do this but I’m not ready to share any of that in this forum yet.

The bottom line is that I want to end 2013 lighter than I have started it, weight, mood, attitude – all need a lift.

What really happened:

Fitness: I did BikeMS: Atlanta, CF Cycle for Life, and RAGBRAI but I did very little training for any of them. I did run the Hot Chocolate 5K but did not run any other events. I did not lose any weight, but gained some. I did not cook anything at home, healthy eating didn’t happen, but somehow I did lower my cholesterol a tiny bit.

Personal goals: I had surgery on Feb 1st to correct an issue causing the abdominal pain I was experiencing, so I did remedy that part of my 2012 funk. Also on Feb 1st I started a new position at work that both helped and hurt with the 2012 funk. The job description was what I had been wanting so that was a great thing, doing work that I enjoy goes a long way in relieving funky attitude. However, my management line changed which did not help my funk at all. I was told it wouldn’t be an issue because it would be administrative management only (handling my PTO and year end review). I knew better than that and of course what I knew would happen was correct – micro managing at its worst. I have worked some throughout the year to deal with my attitude in this arena but I have to admit I haven’t put forth a lot of effort. Mainly, I just relied on the medication that I started taking a week after the new position started to get me through the work week intact. That tactic worked for the better part of the year. Only now I’ve stopped taking that medication and my only concern with coming off of it was how to handle this one relationship. I can’t keep taking a medication because of one relationship especially since I’ve realized I spent 2013 on auto pilot.

I have thought about what I would write in this review post on a couple of occasions and I’ve struggled with thinking through the year and remembering what actually happened in 2013 to write about. It seems like the whole year was like an out-of-body experience for me. I don’t feel like I was “present” in any of it. I don’t recall vivid emotions from individual events positive or negative. I couldn’t say if I would rate the year as good or bad. It all just seems – indifferent to me.

The events that happened: Surgery; new position at work; job searches – couple of phone interviews, one on site interview, realization that I had more at current job than just a job description that would be hard to replace, so stopped interviewing elsewhere; my PCP left so had to get used to a new PCP; only person I talked to at work left so I stay in my office all day now; rebranded cycling team; participated in usual charity events (MS, Parkinson’s, CF); started and 9 months later stopped taking an anti-depressant medication; started taking medicine to stop my essential tremors; went on a spiritual retreat at The Hermitage and met Cajun Jesus.

In 2013, I neglected my journal writing, blog posting, book reading, and regular workouts. I had said I was going to fight the lazy that set in, but instead I curled up with it and took a year long nap with it. I can tell too. I’ve gained weight, I feel my brain as atrophied, I’m unfocused, unmotivated, and weak. It is time to change all of that. I am not a “just going through the motions” kind of person.

For 2014, I believe I can change what I set out to change in 2013. My word for the year is going to be “present.” I want to be present in the moments before me. I don’t want another year of auto-pilot. I see my PCP next week to verify that staying off the meds is the right course of action. I believe it is. I came off the meds and did a one month check-up and things were inconclusive at that time. There were still some symptoms lingering that the meds could help with but I thought would be fine given time. My PCP decided to go another month off the meds with a second check up. I believe I can more confidently go into this follow up and say, “I’m good without the meds.” What I need is to get back on a regular work out schedule and start reading again.

Fitness Goals: Hot Chocolate 5K; Citrus Tour; Bluegrass, Bikes, and Bourbon; Tour de Vine; BikeMS: Atlanta; CF Cycle for Life; and maybe an Atlanta to Anniston ride. Winter training in the new workout room, cross training at the pool, and hopefully get some running in.

Personal Goals: Read more, blog more, do a better job of running my cycling team, spend more time with Cajun Jesus.